Thursday, October 17, 2013

The good, the bad and the true: Confessions of a Photo-a-holic

I have my parents to thank for a lot of things... both good and bad :P  I mean you can name all the cliches about parents and kids... let's face it they are cliches for a reason.  One of the amazing things my parents gave me that I didn't realized till after I was out of the house was the fact that they were very supportive of their kids as individuals.  I never questioned "if" I could do something or even do it well.  It seemed like a given that if you try it would happen.  Now with that is a crippling inability to slow down or accept anything less than 100%.  Chris swears I don't know how to just sit and be.  But huge benefit is I didn't really question myself or my ability.  I never held my identity in boys, or what people said.  I was who I was and loudly I might add.

I had friends all while growing up who struggled with finding their identity in boys or felt terrible about themselves when they were told something negative.  I could sympathize but not empathize... or is it the other way round ( I always get those messed up: I felt for them but didn't understand the feeling).  As the years have passed since those wonderful days of youth when you think you know everything... and still linger depending on the day :D  I came to fully understanding the "feeling" of self doubt.

I have mentioned it before but years ago, when I first started this journey into making a business for myself out of what I loved, I put myself out there for help and got really hurt.  I tried to grow from the process asking the person to specifically tell me all that she hated about me and my work and she said that there was no place to begin... it was all just too much.  I shut down for a week.  I didn't touch my camera.  I didn't blog.  I didn't talk about it.  I just continued on with life like nothing happened... but my world changed that day.

Since then I struggle with extreme amounts of self doubt centered around my photography and my ability.  I forget it all the moment I am with a client.  I love being with people.  I love making them relax in front of the camera.  Getting to know them and love them... it is what fills my heart.  Enough so that legit: a secret past time of mine is going to Walmart to talk to and laugh with their employees.  I figure if I can get them to have a better day then anything is possible!

So my confession for today:

My stomach churns, my hands shake, I search over pictures, act out poses, force my husband to give critiques, I think through things I might say, I check and recheck my equipment... I am SUPREMELY nervous before every shoot!

Live. Love. Loud.

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