Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Confessing. Dark, Quite, Sleepless.

The dark living room as my friend.  I write to you.

Do you ever find yourself awake, unable to sleep thinking?  I swear I wish I had a swtich.  It would be so nice to just flip and conk out.  Chris seems to have it.  He sleeps soundly in our bed while my brain ticks away.

Generally it is filled with all the things that make up my life.  Tonight it is focused on my business and I can't seem to make it quit.

I like who I am most all of the time.  I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, honestly that's part of why I write the blog.  I figure if I put enough of myself out there when I bride starts looking around for a phototgrapher she will know what she is getting with me... I mean there are hundreds of local photographers who are great... what sets me apart is  the "me".  But back to the point: I'm not loved by all.  I know it.  I'm a hard pill to swollow for some, but over all I enjoy me.  There are times, right now to be exact that I wish I could change aspects of myself... namely I'd like to be more chill.

Photo thanks to Quotes Says

Don't get me wrong I can hang out with the best of them but I'm a planner, thinker, designer, ponder-er.  I don't let things just happen.  I don't just do.  Every action is on purpose and I have thought through why I am doing it.  Which has its benefits but currently those benefits elude me much like sleep.

Am I the only one who lays awake in bed wondering if I'd be better off getting up and working then laying there wishing to sleep?  I know how tired I'll be in the morning but whether I lay there in bed wishing for sleep or if I leave the warmth and move to my keyboard and set working, I'm looking at lack of sleep so why not work?

I want to be more.  I want to have the answers.  I want to break the mold.  I want to set records.  I want adventure.  I want... so much yet I fall into question on how to achieve.  I read articles, look at pinterest and take classes but I never seem to get ahead of my brain, my desires.  I feel like a kid learning how to skate... gracefully is the last word that comes to mind.

I second guess myself.  I want to compromise my business plan in lulling times.

It looks so easy from the outside.  The smiling faces, the $$ rolling in... the reality of a business owner is a lot of self doubt... or at least with this business owner.  The more I read and study it becomes clear that there are a lot of right answers but what is mine?  I question to the void that is the vast internet.

Do you read this?  Do you care?  Do you struggle?

To the last question, assuming that there is a sole other then my sad tired soul reading this silly rambling is yes... at least in some way or another I figure we all struggle.  Why is it then when I struggle I feel so alone in my struggle?  I am not the only person.  Nothing new under the sun and what not but yet here I am adolcently thinking "I'm the only person to feel this way".  Are we destined to the silly tendency of isolation?  Why are we so scared to let people know we don't have it together?  Do I really think you all (any who might read this) have your life exactly where you want it?  Is that possible?  Do we ever arrive?

I feel like I'm always a working progress... only sometimes it feels like I am just locked on a loading screen.  Like I've opened too many tabs on the internet and the CPU or my life is unable to load the page I'm trying to access...

So here's to accepting:
I don't have it all together
That it's ok to be real, to have faults, to fail/fall down
I can't improve if I don't face my fears
No forward movement can ever be made if I'm always pretending to have it all together.

Here's to tomorrow being a new day.  Here's to remembering that I can't do it all on my own.  Here's to a hope that's bigger than me.

If you have woes and you need to share them know I'm always here to listen too!  I'm great at listening to venting and inserting an "Oh, no he didn't" in at just the right time... ask my near and dear :D

Live. Love. Loud.

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